Monday, January 23, 2012

Don't Tell Me Who I'm Suppose to Be!

As, you know I've been working on my confidence and over all getting my life together. And in the process of wanting to be a positive person you'll run into old feels of inadequacy.

I was one of those people who was picked on in school, one of my earliest memories is being picked on in pre-school. And being picked on before I knew who I was as a person affected me. So, for the longest time whatever my peers/teachers said about me I believed.

One of the things that I'm doing in order to heal myself is meditation. I laid on my bed for a while with a blank mind to allow those old memories to come forward so I could address them. One of the memories that came forward was during Valentine's Day. I got a card from one of the little girls in my class. And I was excited because people normally didn't give me Valentine's cards. And on the back it said "Roses are red, Violets are blue, you are fat and I hate you too."

And I could feel myself getting upset. And God asked me why it made me upset. I said because she's mean. He responded that there are mean spirited people in the world, why are you upset? I responded that I tried to make everyone happy by bending over backwards and they were still mean to me. He responded by saying You can't make people like you, people hate me and my son. Why are you upset? And I sat there for a while and responded that I felt rejected and people had a negative idea of me and tried to force me to accept that image of myself, and I didn't want it.

And I felt happiness, I think He was proud that I figured out what was holding me back all these years. And all that sadness and reject that I felt about myself lifted from me. It's a strange feeling not to feel heavy with self pity.

I remember for the longest time I was jealous of people, it seemed like their life were perfect and my life was so boring. And God told me that jealousy was unnecessary. He said that a person's blessing are for them and them alone. He has blessing for each and everyone of us. We spend so much time pinning for other blessing and gifts and that we don't see the gigantic pile that's sitting behind us.

Just thought I'd share that bit of information with you in case you went through some of the same things that I did.

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